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As a Canadian, you have to be extra vigilant. There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as a Canadian, make the following statement - and then carefully note their reaction: |
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"Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, eh?, but my Skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the duplex, eh? I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn Chinook, melted everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave me an impaired, eh? I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields, eh?, and a touque at the time. And the Mountie, eh?, he's all chippy and everything, eh?, calling me a "shit disturber" and what not. What could I say, except, "Sorry, eh!" |
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If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they're one of us. If, however, they stare at you with blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Have them reported to the authorities at once. The passage cited above contains no fewer than 18 different Canadianisms. In order: 1. pogey: EI (Employment Insurance). Money provided by the government for not working. 2. mickey: A small bottle of booze (13 oz) (A Texas mickey, on the other hand, is a ridiculously big bottle of booze, which, despite the name, is still a Canadianism through and through.) 3. C.C.: Canadian Club, a brand of rye. Not to be confused with "hockey stick," another kind of Canadian Club. 4. beer parlour: Like an ice cream parlour, but for Canadians. 5. skidoo: Self-propelled decapitation unit for teenagers, also called Snow-Mobiles. 6. muskeg: Boggy swampland. 7. duplex: A single building divided in half with two sets of inhabitants, each trying to pretend the other doesn't exist while at the same time managing to drive each other crazy; metaphor for Canada's French and English. 8. deke: Used as a verb, it means "to fool an opponent through skillful misdirection." As a noun, it is used most often in exclamatory constructions, such as: "Whadda deke!" Meaning, "My, what an impressive display of physical dexterity employing misdirection and guile." 9. Chinook: An unseasonably warm wind that comes over the Rockies and onto the plains, melting snow banks in Calgary but just missing Edmonton, much to the pleasure of Calgarians. 10. Mountie: Canadian icon, strong of jaw, red of coat, pure of heart. Always get their man! (See also Pepper Spray, uses of). 11. snuck: To have sneaked; to move, past tense, in a sneaky manner; non-restrictive extended semi-gerundial form of "did sneak". (We think.) 12. ghost car: An unmarked police car, easily identifiable by its inconspicuousness. 13. impaired: A charge of drunk driving. Used both as a noun and as an adjective (the alternative adjectival form of "impaired" being "pissed to the gills"). 14. S.O.L.: Shit outta luck; in an unfortunate predicament. 15. Stanfields: Men's underwear, especially Grandpa-style, white cotton ones with a big elastic waistband and a large superfluous flap in the front and back! Also known as "tighty whiteys". 16. touque: Canada's official National Head Apparel, with about the same suave sex appeal as a pair of Stanfields. Believe it or not, called a "beanie" in Australia. 17. chippy: Behaviour that is inappropriately aggressive; constantly looking for a reason to find offense; from "chip on one's shoulder". (See Western Canada.) 18. shit disturber: (See Quebec) a troublemaker or
provocateur. According to Katherine Barber, editor in Chief of
the Canadian Oxford Dictionary, "shit disturber" is
a distinctly Canadian term. (Just remember that Western Canada
is chippy and Quebec is a shit disturber, and you will |
