|
12 Days of Canadian ChristmasSING ALONG! On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me ... A partridge in a pear tree. On the second day of Christmas, the Humane Society said to me ... "It's illegal to leave a partridge unattended in a pear tree." On the third day of Christmas, the Canadian Wildlife Service
said to "You can't keep a partridge in your house as a pet --
only as dead On the fourth day of Christmas, the bylaw officer said to me ... "No, you can't discharge a firearm in town to kill a partridge." On the fifth day of Christmas, a policeman said to me ... "Your neighbours have complained you're trying to choke
a partridge On the sixth day of Christmas, a lawyer said to me ... "The guy next door says if your pear tree doesn't stop
dropping fruit On the seventh day of Christmas, Greenpeace said to me ... "If you try to cut down your pear tree, our members will
chain On the eighth day of Christmas, Canada Customs said to me ... "We suspect your true love imported that pear tree without
filling in On the ninth day of Christmas, Revenue Canada said to me ... "You'll have to declare that gift of a partridge and
pear tree as On the tenth day of Christmas, an ice storm caused tragedy ... It snapped my pear tree, which fell and crushed the partridge. On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love came to me ... And we sat in front of roaring fruit wood fire, dining on
roasted On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me ... Two more stupid birds, I gave them back -- and got a new girlfriend |
|
||||||
The
1999 Darwin Award Winner Is...
|
||||||||
The Ant and the GrasshopperCLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. THE END
THE CANADIAN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.So far, so good, eh? The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome". The Finance Minister grants, in an interview with a CTV reporter, that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share". In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the "Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. The ant moves to the US and starts a successful agribiz company. The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, the leader of the Ontario NDP is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose; the Toronto Star blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada's multicultural diversity. THE END. |
||||||||
Canadian Goodwill AmbassadorsThe huge Air Canada jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto." Well, the Captain forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Tronna?" Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation. "Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night." Well, everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old lady's bag -- ***splat *** -- and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first." |
||||||||
Bob and DougA Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer
under his arm. His friend, Doug, stops him and asks, "Hey
Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade." |
||||||||
Canadians are DecisiveWhy does a Canadian cross the road? To get to the middle. |
||||||||
Canadians are Such Nice PeopleWhat does a Canadian say when you step on his foot? "Sorry!" |
||||||||
How Canada Got Its NameWhen Sir John A MacDonald and Friends were trying to figure out a name for this great country, someone had a great idea. "Let's stick all the letters into a hat and draw 3 of them - that will be the new name of this place." So they agree! The first letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "C", eh!? The second letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "N", eh!? The third letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "D", eh!? And that's how we got our name. |
||||||||
On American Draft Dodgers in CanadaIf America and Canada got into a war, where would all the draft dodgers go? [During the Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan wars, lots of Americans who disagreed with war came to Canada to live. Unless they had a criminal record, most were welcomed in Canada.] |
||||||||
On HosersWhat do you call a Canadian fireman? A Hoser (of course!) [I believe "hoser" originated from the propensity of the Canadian male to pee in the snow after a few beers.] |
||||||||
On HockeyWhy does ice hockey only have three periods? Canadians can't count to four. |
||||||||
On Newfies[Newfoundland is an island province at the far right side of Canada; the natives are of poor English and Scottish stock and speak with a heavy accent virtually unintelligible to the rest of Canada. There are lots of jokes referring to Newfoundlanders as stupid, which of course, they're not.]
 Did you hear about
the Newfoundlander who died drinking milk? The cow fell on him.Why did the Newfie
want Quebec to separate? - He wanted to be closer to Ontario.Did you hear about
the Newfie who left Newfoundland and moved to Quebec and raised
the IQ of both provinces?Doug goes to visit
his friend, Bob, and have a few beers. Every once in a while,
Bob goes to the back window of the house and yells out the window,
"Green side up!".
After this happens four times, Doug finally asks, "Bob, what's going on? Why are you doing that?" Bob replies, "I've got three Newfies laying sod in the
back yard." A man comes home
from work one day, and finds a Newfie standing beside his Porsche,
newly painted green.
"I just finished, boss." The man is furious. "I said 'porch', you moron!" On the first day
of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to count
to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37.
But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3
mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told
him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students
to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k"
with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made
it all the way through, missing only the letter "m".
That evening he once again brought his Dad up to The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking
showers, Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his
grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused
him. That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have little
tiny ones, but mine is ten times "No, son," explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!" |
||||||||
On TorontoWhat's the difference between a Torontonian and a canoe? A canoe tips. |
||||||||
On Being Canadian
At parties, a Canadian
asks you upstairs so he can examine your caulking and get the
name of your weatherstripping man.A Canadian woman
burns her bra only if she's out of wood.A Canadian considers
it one of the great thrills of life when snow doesn't stick to
his shovel.A Canadian woman
doesn't worry if her shoes fit her feet as long as they fit in
the plastic bag she carries them in from October to April.How do you empty
a swimming pool of Canadians?
"Excuse me, could everyone please get out of the pool?" |
||||||||
On Canadian SeasonsIn Canada, we have two seasons... six months of winter and six months of poor skiing. |
||||||||
On Being AlbertanThe first question an Albertan asked the tour guide, when they approached the Eiffel Tower, was "How many barrels a day does it produce?" [Alberta has lots of oil rigs.] |
||||||||
The Difference Between Canadians, Americans, and ...
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking
it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU
BASTARD!!!!" An American, a
Scot, and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident.
They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well, " said the American, "I remember the
crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian
and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.
Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die,
and that for a donation of $50, we "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two ?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his." |
||||||||
Canadians to the Rescue of AmericansPresident Bill Clinton called Prime Minister Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Bill, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send us a million condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Certainement! I will get on hit right haway." said Jean. "Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said President Bill. "Oui?" Could the condoms be red, white, and blue, and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" asked Clinton. "No problem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that, Chretien hung up and called the president of Trojan Canada. "Hi need a favour. You got to make one million condoms right haway, an sen' dem to Hamerica." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, mon ami. Dey haf to be bleu, blanc, 'n' rouge in colour; hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in di-hameter." "That's easily done. Anything else?" "Yes," said the Prime Minister, "han' print
on dem MADE IN CANADA, |
||||||||
The Difference Between Canadians, Brits, Aussies, and AmericansAussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer. Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball,
and basketball. Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live
on an island. Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer. Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally
suspect. |
||||||||
Letter to the Canadian Passport OfficeDear Mr. Minister, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it
is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the
last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs
declaration forms I've had to fill Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!! SHIT! I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sureas hell not want to tell anyone! Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (fuckin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off! Signed - P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting
someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in
this country since 1812 when one of my forefathers took up arms
against the Americans. I have served in the military for something
over 30 years and I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST FUCKING CHINA!!! (name withheld) |
||||||||
On Life in Northern OntarioYOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM NORTHERN ONTARIO WHEN...
|
||||||||
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
|
||||||||
A Canadian Train RideIn a train car, there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap
mark on his 1) The blonde thought - "that American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face." 2) The fat lady thought - "this dirty old American laid his hands on the blond and she smacked him". 3) The American thought - "That fucking Canadian put his hand on that blond and by mistake she slapped me". 4) The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again." |
||||||||
You Know You're Canadian If:1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines. |
||||||||
Canadian Tech SupportA Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus. Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command... Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it? Agent: Well, you just press Control-A. Caller (after a pause): Well, that's not working for me. Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you? Caller: Yes, I sure do. Agent: OK, now press Control-A. Caller: I am, but nothing happens. Agent: The text isn't highlighted? Caller: No, there's no change at all. Agent: That's odd. If you press Control-A, the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening. Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh? |
||||||||
Canadians in HellTwo guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!! The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???" The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup." |
||||||||
Cool Stuff About Canada1. Crispy Crunch. |
25.
We invented snowmobiles, jet skis, velcro, zippers, zambonis,
and the handles on cardboard beer cases.